I (28M) no longer trust my wife (27F)
My wife and I will have been together for 10 years now in a couple days. We were together for 4 years before getting married after I joined the military. The military was very hard on our relationship in the beginning. A few months into our marriage she cheated on me with her coworker. After finding out was the lowest I have ever been and initially I wanted to leave but ultimately decided we could work through this. 2 children and 6 years later we have generally had a happy marriage with the occasional ups and downs.
6 months ago we moved to a new duty station where my wife has started a new job. She works in a really small office so naturally they are very close. Their office is located right next to downtown so they go out for drinks on their lunches or after work frequently. I have always encouraged my wife to go out at every opportunity as she struggles to make friends always moving around and the loneliness is hard on here. The only thing I ask is for to tell me when I can expect her home.
Recently though her outings have becoming much more frequent and she has been coming home later later leaving me up all night waiting for her to come home. I’ve been clear with her from the beginning of she wants to go out just tell me what time you’ll be home and stick to the time. It makes me feel disrespected as a husband when she tells me she’s going out for a couple drinks and doesn’t come home until 11-12 taking care of our children by myself.
2 days ago things escalated a bit when I caught her in a lie. She had told me earlier she was going to have to work late that day. I didn’t think anything of it until she had to call me due to a family emergency and in the background I could hear that she was in a bar and not at work. During that phone call she told me I was going to have to go drive somewhere and she couldn’t because she was stuck at work. When she came home I confronted her about it and she told me she was planning on working late but her coworkers invited her out and she decided to go. She basically lied to my face over the phone about her whereabouts.
Given our history this was the straw that broke the camels back. I told her that she has lost my trust again and I don’t feel respected in this marriage. I stated that I currently can’t see a way forward in our marriage other than divorce but I don’t want to make any rash decisions and need to think things over. Yesterday we didn’t really talk about anything as we both worked and went to bed pretty early. Today I was visibly upset with the whole situation. It is all too familiar and feels exactly like the last time she was unfaithful to me. I don’t think she is being unfaithful again as her co worker that she mostly goes out with is gay but her boss is a year younger than her and recently single so my mind keeps going there. She pulled me aside tonight and asked how I’m feeling I told her everything. I made it clear I’m not well and unsure about the future of our marriage at the moment. 15 minutes later she left with her sister to go hit the bars downtown. Another slap in the face.
Do you see a way to move forward for the sake of our children? Am I just clinging to the past without any real reason to make such a drastic decision?
Source: Reddit.com
Summary
The author describes a long marriage with a difficult past infidelity. Despite rebuilding trust, recent events have shaken it again. The wife’s frequent outings, disregard for agreed communication, and a recent lie trigger the husband’s insecurity and raise suspicion, especially considering the new, single boss. The author feels disrespected and questions the marriage’s future, but wants to avoid rash decisions for their children. The wife’s night out after this conversation further deepens the rift. The question is whether there’s a path forward or if past hurts are resurfacing unreasonably.